sitting here tonight thinking

I hate what happened to me. I hate the effect it had on my daughters and other relationships. I hate divorce. I don't understand it.  Maryam comes here and I don't get to see her.  My ex is going to see her. I don't get to. I miss her more than anything. I have always been there for all my family. I tried very hard to make sure they have a good and comfortable life. I wanted to make sure they knew they were loved. I pray that my family loves the new family members. If I had any affects on my children they have a big heart and are kind and loving. New chapter has started in my life that doesn't mean others have closed. Just like I never unlove anyone I pray and I have faith that our lives will be full of love,  happiness and acceptance

new phase of life

It was like we knew each other for years  I felt so comfortable with her. We talked and laughed and really enjoyed each other  I never had a doubt but I was sure now that she is the one for me  godsend. It was an instant hit with the whole Family. Especially shey  I came back to process the petition.   I know I have new hope and happiness

how things change. how people change

Tonight I sit here deep in thought. I was so lonely and no hope or real joy in life a few months ago. A while back I had met a woman online. Queenie. She is from phillipines. From the srart I had a feeling she was special. Pure heart  very kind. She had inner strength and resolve.  We talked online and on skype. I trusted her. That took a lot after every thing I had experienced
 In the last few years. I started to develop feelings for queenie. At one point she told me she had feelings for me too. I went to phillipines the end of January and spent 3 great weeks with queenie,  her daughter Shey and the family

Happy nowruz

It was another lonely and hard nowruz. It is interesting that since the divorce my long time friend have choen to invite my ex to gatherings. I have nade several trips to Iran, it is theraputic for me. My daughter got married and I was happy to be able to walk her down the isle. I will never give up this fight. I pray for continued strength to be able to be there for my daughters

giving back

I want to do what I can to help others that are living with a degenerative or catastrophic illness, especially their family and support system since they are such an integral part of this process. I have started a facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Living-with-catastrophic-illnesses/183438125068869?sk=wall

I also hope to start some support groups for both the patient and their family

http://www.hbo.com/realsports/stories/2009/episode.148.s2.html

I watched this episode on HBO show real sports with Bryant Gumble on HBO. It really struck me that the legendary Freddie Roach that has trained many championship fighters and used to be a boxer himself has been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease 20 years ago and is getting in the ring with fighters in the Gym and that helps him a lot. His symptoms started with not being gable to strike his left leg normal ( like me ). It is very interesting that doctors now tell patients to stay active and if they have not been active to get active. Noone told me this. I figured it out on my own and made it my day to day goal.

All the Right Moves

Like elite fighters, trainers can get on a hot streak, and no teacher in the sweet science is currently hotter than Freddie Roach. A journeyman prizefighter in his younger years, Roach has fashioned a potential Hall of Fame career, working out of his famed Wild Card Gym in Hollywood with his most accomplished pupil, pound-for-pound king Manny Pacquiao, among other sluggers. Roach's own story includes a troubled childhood and a battle with Parkinson's disease today. As REAL SPORTS correspondent Mary Carillo shows, it's easy to see why this three-time BWAA Trainer of the Year is currently the man in demand.

I am thinking back to the days when days mattered. Monday was the start of work week, time to motivate yourself and get started for a new week, maybe a business trip or a project to get psyched for and so on. Wednesday was hump day time to start looking forward to the weekend. Friday was an almost empty day in the office and everyone had basically started the weekend. Sunday was a relaxatiobn day and a day to dread going back to work. Now it is the same day every day. I have to keep looking for reasons to motivate myself.

Dokhtare baba

I was coming back from my brother's house last night listening to sattar. The song was from a father to his daughter. I cannot even mention the lyrics now. I cried my heart out. It smacked me right in the face, punched me in the gut gasping for air. When this damn illness was starting to really effect me, my biggest fear was that I would not be able to work anymore and provide for my daughters, I would not sleep nights. Cold sweat would cover my body when I had to schedule defensive tactics and days on the range. What if they find out I cannot work. What if they found out I cannot perform the job anymore. What if I lost my job. What kind of a father would I be. now it has happened. I feel shame for not being to perform physical tascs. I am so afraid that one day I would need help performing basic functions. My biggest fears have come through. I just hope I keep the strength and Mahsa finds the strength and Maryam continues to be strong. I never want them to think of me and be ashamed of me...
Wow, it has been a while since I posted on this blog. I need to start again

Leaving Abadan again

I left Abadan with a heavy heart. When we saw Khoramshahr signs Servin waived goodbye to the city. We were listening to an MP3 that I bought in Kuwaitis bazaar ( bazaar Kuwaiti ha). It is very nice but somehow, I could not make myself dance to it as I usually do. I don't know if and when I will come back to this beautiful city. Good bye for now my beautiful city. Good bye to my home town. I will forever think of you and be a part of you.

3rd day in Abadan

Today we drove to Shalamche. I did not know the significance of this area before we went there. Shalamche is west of Khoramshahr. It is on the border with Iraq. It was the site of a border check and battle with Iraq. from the far we could start reading signs that do not go off trail because it had not yet been cleared of mines. There were several destroyed tanks, there was a artillery post and an anti-aircraft artillery post. there were the dug outs left from those days of battle. There was an eerie quiet. It seemed like there was a smell of blood. They had erected a building and a dome on top of an old dug out. They had posted pictures of young men who had lost their legs and arms. Long live the memory and the legacy of our soldiers and martyrs. May Saddam rot in hell.
I could see the border with the Iranian flag raised high. I could close my eyes and almost hear and touch our heroes that fought with every ounce of their being and sacrificed life and limb for our country. Where would we be today if you had not stood tall? I can hear your heart beat and could feel your excitement as you were driving the enemy forces back. Doorod bar shoma. Hail to your heroics.
I saw a picture of a young soldier with his head missing. The caption said " you can take my head but you cannot take my country ".
There is an Abadani song that says "may the home of the one who destroyed you be destroyed". I sang this song many times not knowing that I will soon mourn the lost lives of Iraqui women and children.
Saddam got what he deserved, unfortunately many lives were lost and homes destroyed over his greed.

2nd day in Abadan

We woke up today to beautiful, warm sunshine of Abadan. We went to Breakfast on the third floor. We had a view of the landing strip for the airport. I remember the days that we would see British airways, Kuwait airways, klm flights land in the airport. They are working on a massive project behinfd hotel Parsian and the old Hotel Abadan. They are building a lake and green space. They call it Braim Lake. I look forward to visit the lake in future trips.
I said my Abadani prayer at the breakfast table.
" May your Ray.Ban be spotless, your laf big, your speedo wrinkle free and the sun of Abadan always shine on you".
Shahram, Shervin and I went to the old neighborhood. We walked to Khooshe and then walked towards the new 25 shahrivar. At house 750 where we used to live we took pictures of the old Euculiptus tree that we used to paly under. The front lawn of the house we used to play soccer with Shervin and Saiid who is now married to Fariba my Aunt's grranddaughter. At khooshe we talked to Mr. Arshadi's son who now runs the store. The old Mr. Arshadi was killed in an auto accident a few years back.
Abadan will never be the same. People who did not live there do not understand why Abadanis love this city and why everey time we talk about, our eyes tear up.
That is why you should enjoy every moment of life and appreciate what you have and who you share time with. once it is gone and they are gone, it will be only memories and will never be brought back.
we went to the fishermen's market, 25 shahrivar, Helal braim, our old house 1213, Naft club, swimming pools, Cinema Taj, 0ld 25 shahrivar, House # 1 and house #2 that are riddled with bullets and are now memories of war.

It took us a little longer to get back to Tehran but it was much easier drive.
The next day a bunch of relatives and friends came to visit us.
We decided to travel to Abadan and Kermanshah the next day. I was very excited to return to Abadan and I had not been to Kermanshah for 30 years now and wanted very much to go. It turned out that we were not able to go to Kermanshah which was ok because at the end we spent several days in Abadan which was priceless.
I got up pretty early the next day to pack for the trip. I did my Abadan checklist.
Dampayee Abri .... Check
Ray.Ban.... Check
Jeans..... Check
Cologne....... Check
We drove a few hours and slept in Khoramabad that night. The next day we left for Abadan. As soon as we arrived in Khuzestan it seemed like the world was much brighter. It was getting warmer and more pleasant. I felt like I was home again. Very excited. I was where I belonged, where I grew up, where I was born. So many memories, sweet memories. I was born in Abadan. Sweet land of Abadan. Sweet land of Khuzestan.

We were approaching Abadan. We arrived in Andimeshk around 1:00. We went to Pas restaurant. I had baghali polo with Mahi Halva. It was deliscious. I was so excited I ate some Sabzi khordan. I had made a point not to eat anything in restaurants that had a chance of not being washed properly. Well, cheshmetoon rooze bad nabine I had the worst diarrhea for a few days after that :). We arrived in Khoramshahr around 3. There is a song that Sandy sings it says in Farsi that you will go from Andimeshk to Ahwaz, you pass the bridge and get to Khoramshahr, turn left then... Welcome to Abadan. There used to be a rest stop at kilometer 60, which was halfway between Ahvaz and Abadan. We always stopped there when we were coming back to Abadan. I looked for it. My brother said that was on the old road that was destroyed in the Iran-Iraq war. Damn Saddam. It used to be that there was hardly anything but the airport and Dairy farm on the road from Khoramshar to Abadan. There was a lot more this time. We finally arrived in Abadan. We got to the turnabout that Karvansara hotel used to be. Across the road was our high school ( 25 shahrivar ). I think only my brother Shahram and I went to this high school as it was built a couple of years before I left. My brother Shervin and Shahin went to the old 25 shahrivar. Abadan had developed much faster since I was last here in 2003. Lots of construction. There was a fence around Braim so people that did not live there cannot go there. Hotel Parsian, a 4 star hotel was now open across from our old house 750. It used to be the world renoun " Night Club " back in the old days. The old Hotel Abadan was now closed and being remodeled under new management. Karvansara which used to be a very nice HOTEL is still there. We decided to stay in Hotel Parsian.
The receptionist was a dark faced guy that was probably born in Abadan. Very sweet Abadani accent and Abadani sense of humor.
We put our stuff in the room and headed to the shahr ( city center). I don't remember Abadan with heavy car traffic. The city center was packed with cars and people. A lot of people. It was very exciting to see so many people had come back to Abadan. When we went back to the Hotel I really felt like smoking Ghalioon. We went to Karvansara where I had gone back in 2003 with my wife. On that trip when we were hading back to Tehran we had gone there with Mahboob and my cousin Tooraj and his wife and son ( Jalil) and his daughterMojgan and my aunt and my other cousin Soraya. Mahboob had bought some Samoosa that we ate.
At Karvansara, they told us the old outdoor pace was closed now. The nearest place was between the first turnabout and the second on the rood from Abadan to Khoramshahr. We went there. It was a very nice outdoor place with old stule seating area outside. It was very nice. By this time the weather was getting a bit chilly so we went back and to our room and played Shelem and I drand Vodka and pomergranate juice with Shervin.

More to come....

We stopped at a restaurant on the way there and spent some time by the sea. When we got to Rasht it was dark. We met Jalil on the street and spent some time with him. He is an exact copy of Mansour my cousin who was killed in a car accident. Farshad insisted that we meet his friend. He was sure that this guy was going to invite us to dinner and also provide lodging for us at a luxury resort. We ended up walking in the street a little bit and he took us to his "office" and had his poor servant get some fruit and tea for us. Farshad had quite an egg on his face. We ended up searching for a hotel and after a couple of stops rented a room at a seaside motel. We woke up the next day and headed back to Tehran.
More to come....

Shahram and I woke up the next day and went to the bread store to buy some fresh bread. When we got here last night it was dark. The sun was just coming up now and the scenery was breath taking. It was very nice weather and the mountains and the trees and dthe sea air was refreshing. I came here 8 years ago with my brother in law and his wife. They had just finished one of the towers and working on a second. At that time I could buy a condoo for $20000. It is atleast 10 times that amount now. They have built a huge resort community with restaurants, recreation areas, a cabin that would take you to the top and a new ride called " Sortmeh". The "Telecabin" was there when I came here 8 years ago. We rode it to the top. It as quite an adventture since I have a fear of heights. It was very nice uup there and they had benches and trails and cofee shops. We spent a few hours there and smoked a Hukaah. When we came back down the hill, they stopped Ali and Maryam and took them to interegate them and make sure they are married. It is against islamic laws for unmarried boys and girls to date and other stuff kids do here.
It was a nic day, we took some pictures and I even got brave and took a ride on the "Sortmeh". It was fun.
The next day we headed to Rasht where my cousin Jalil who I spoke about previously is attending college.
More to come...

Trip to Shomal

We picked up my cousin Farshad and along with Mahboob and Shahram headed north the next day. We took The CHaloos road that has been around for many years. In fact for years it has been the only way to go to the Caspian sea from Tehran. They are now working on alternate routes. They have built a highway from Rash to Tehran. It was raining, the road was slick and it actually snowed that day. THe road scared the crap out of me. It was a winding road and people pass when they are not supposed to. We saw a fatal accident on the way. A car was pinned under a big truck. People also have no concerns for their lives and life of others. People carried their children in their lap in the front seat. Nooone had seat belts on. THere is heavy police presence and they ticket heavily. Still, people drive like maniacs and there are way too many fatal accidents on the roads. My cousin ( Mahboob's brother and Farshad's uncle ) Was killed along with his wife and little daughter in a traffic accident. He was a genious. He was very smart and very insightful. Mahboob said the last phone conversation withe Mansour was when her nephew Jalil ( who acts and thinks a lot like Mansour and is studying to get his Masters right now in Rasht ) asked her how Remote controls work. She called Mansour and he told her to tell Jalil that these devices will interact with each other and soon many devices will be controlled from long distances, but that is nothing compared to human relations and interactions where brothers and sisiters are able to understand each other and feel each other's pain from long distances.
We spent the first night in Namak abrood. It was a long journey that day. We goth there and rented a villa.
More to come...

1st day in Tehran

Shervin had told everyone that we will not arrive until the next day so our family would not make the long trip to the airport in the middle of the night. I called my cousin Mahboob and when she saw the name on the caller ID, she knew she had been tricked. SHe is a bundle of energy and full of kindness. She has been a nnurse most of her life but she was really in mamnagement most of it. When the war started, instead of fleeeing to the safe partts, she decided to stay in Abadan, thinking that she was most needed there.
My aunt had developed a bit of dimentia and had a lot of back pain. I believe she is 95 or 96. A little sad but everyone should learn resiliance. She always has a great attitude and is ready to jam to any song and will never say no to going any place. My other cousin Soraya was also there. Mahboob and Soraya had always been there for my aunt and always take care of her. We decided to go to the north which is the area next to the Caspian sea the next day. It is always a destination for most Iranians because of it's natural beauty. I have mix feelings about the area since my sister drowned in that sea when she was 16. More to come....

Trip to Iran

It was October, 24 2008. It has been five years since I had been to Iran. I am going to Iran with my parents and my brother. After checking in our luggage we headed to the gates. We were informed that we were "Randomly" selected for secondary screening. Random? Random my behind. We were headed for Iran and my mother wore a scarf over her head. I was put in one of those X-ray machines that blew something at me and revealed my inside.
After the flight took off, I asked for two little bottles of JD on the rocks and sat back hoping to be able to sleep. It was hard to sleep. We had a 7 hours layover in Amsterdam. I tried to sleep a little on the lounge chairs with no success. my brother and father went to the little casino. My father quickly won nearly $500.00 after putting a coin in a slot machine. My brother won about 150 euros after several trips to the Black Jack table.
After playing cards and taking a couple of naps it was about time to go to the gate to fly to Iran.
Of course the plane they chose for this leg was an old Boeing jet that hardly anything worked on it anymore. The TV did not work. They only had one bathroom for a large section of the airplane and the seats were almost impossible to come out of because the handles would only go half way up. This was still KLM so it gives you an idea of the different treatments for Iranians. Remember this part because on the way back, it becomes even more obvious.
There was a handsome Iranian guy who was bringing his American wife to Iran for the first time. I chatted with them a little. She was not nervous at all. When we got close, she put on her scarf over her blond hair. For some reasons, the roo sari ( Scarf) makes pretty girls look even prettier. It is weird. I think it may have something to do with leaving some things to the imagination. I compare it to a girl that wears a nice long skirt which is tight fitting and a nice shirt with the top two buttons undone. I lie that much more than a girl that reveals evereything.
A couple of hours before landing a guy got sick. I think he was dehydrated. They asked for a medical Doctor. Hte guy seated in the row behind me got up to help. He worked on the guy until we arrived in Tehran.
We landed in Imam Khomeini airport. It is a newer airport. For years Tehran, this vast city with millions of people and lots of activity had relied on the Mehrabad airport which was very outdated and they had to bus people to the gates and so forth. Mehrabad is in middle of Tehran and this one is outside the city, about 45 minutes to an hour drive with metro service. It is a more updated airport with ramps that go to the plane like the ones others take for granted. Even though they were not using the ramps when we got back. The employees were kind of frustrated about that. I am jumping ahead.
We collected our luggage and went to passport check and customs. When I handed the guy my passport he took longer than everyone else looking at it and entered an unusul amount of data in the computer. It made me nervous a little. We finally got through and met my brother Shervin and Giti outside. Shervin drove my parents and my brother in his Puegoet Persia. It is a car that is Montaged in Iran. It is nicely made and a comfotable drive. You can buy a new one for about 15 - 20 million Toman which equates to about 15,000 dollars. There are other models you can buy for less money. There is one that burns either Gasoline or CNG and it is rear wheel drive. You can buy that new for about 9,000 dollars. It is interesting that Iran with it's wealth of oil and Natural gas is using alterntive fuels more than th USA that is dependent on other countried for Oil. In Iran all public transportation vehicles like taxies, which there are a lot of, must use CNG or compressed natural gas. Giti and I took another Taxi with the rest of the luggage. We got home around 3:30 am and went to sleep around 4:15 or 4:30. More to come...

"life is a journey. We start without any choice (two people get together) and ends without our choice.
We have to enjoy the trip, every moment of it, however long it wants to be. People who wait for the destination will almost always loose.
Life is happening while we are making plans".

This is something that a wise man, a role model for me, said recently. True, we don't have a choice to start it and we do not have a choice where and when we come here. We do have a choice in all stages of life, even when it seems like we don't. Every time I think about my life and the events in my life, I think about those that have already left us, those who have bigger challenges, and those who take things for granted. "Stuff" come and go.
Let people we love know that we love them and be kind to everyone. Hate, dislike, anger, sadness take a lot of energy. Smile, respect, laughter, good thoughts are easier. Good thoughts, good deeds and kind words. Faravaha

Good advise

I was talking to a good friend a couple of days ago. He reminded me of a point that I usually want to live by. He reminded me that we only have a number of days on this earth. We never know what will happen tomorrow. I am worried about the economy as everyone else these days. I am worried about the little money that I have in pension with this economy. I was considering investing elsewhere if...
He said consider this, are you willing to be away from your daughters to pursue a little money?
hmmm. Again, the things we have or don't have is stuff.. Relationships are what is important.

My father

I love my father. He is the best. My satellite dish has been on the fritz. It keeps cutting out. My father knows that it would be hard for me to go on the roof. e is 82 years old. He came to my house today knowing that this is one of my lone companions during the day. My lovely father wanted to go on the roof, very tall roof to fix it. I had rto pull him back and my daughter, being terrified called her mom so she can stop him. My father is a symbol of what a father should be. He has sacrificed his whole life dot us. I remember he worked all day at two places to make ends meet. He has never turned his back on any of us. He is the most gentle loving father nyone could have. My father, Mohammad Bagher Afzal.
He has gone through loss of my sister, destroying every thing he has built to let us leave the country in order not to have a chance to go to the military. He lives in a tiny apartment and has foregone all pleasures and easy retirement after yeaars of holding a high position in the Iranian oil company.
My father, Mohammad Bagher Afzal.